The unlived life
The greatest burden a child must bear is the unlived life of its parents
Carl Jung
One of my favourite Jung quotes (as above) concerns the massive influence the unlived life of a parent can have upon their children and their psyche. Jung explained that parents could unconsciously compel their children to compensate for the parent’s disappointments and live out their unrealised dreams and aspirations.
A classic example of this is the stage mum who once aspired to stand in the spotlight herself, but who now pushes her child to perform so that she can live out her failed aspirations through her children. Or the overly determined father coaching his child in a sport where the father was unable to reach his own potential. Sometimes this dynamic is less obvious. A child may follow in the same career as their parent. We hear the rather old-fashioned phrase “they’re following in their father’s footsteps”, without the child asking themselves is this what I really want? Whose life am I living?
An unlived life comes about when we refuse to follow the call, as Joseph Campbell puts it, to experience a full existence of continuous becoming. We then can find ourselves “walled in boredom, hard work or culture.” We might leave the call unanswered for various reasons including fear of judgement or failure mixed with a strong desire to conform. Through my research on this topic, ironically what came up time and time again is one of the major causes of the unlived life of the parent is parenthood itself. Becoming a parent is such a massive adjustment and one which can hinder the pursuit of other life aspirations.
I was recently rewatching the fabulous Danish film, Another Round, and noticed at the very start of the film, the concept of an unlived life is clearly identified. The main character appears bored and sad, there is a sense of deadness about him. At dinner he is being supported by his friends and one asks him about a grant he received years ago to complete a PhD. He explains that he didn’t pursue this work as his children were so small. You cannot help but feel the loss in his response, the roads not taken, the potential never reached. Of course, small children are an understandable reason to put a PhD on hold but maybe not to abandon it completely.
Aspects of ourselves which were never realised can carry through and be projected onto our children. Often, we don’t realise we’re doing it. It’s acted out unconsciously. We might view our children as narcissistic extensions, that wounded part of us that feels unlived, desperately trying to find realisation one way or another. The parent unconsciously demands the child acts as a mirror, confirming the parent’s choices as good and right. By the child following in their parent’s footsteps, the parent remains relevant, a useful defence against aging and mortality. The child may feel pressured and oppressed to pursue the parent’s desired path. The child remains unseen by the parent and is only useful to the extent where the parent’s fantasy is realised.
The child’s own path in life is not followed and the child psychically stops growing. The parent effectively (and negatively) protects the child from their own fate. I particularly like how this can be conveyed in fairy tales. For example, when sleeping beauty’s father (the king) learns of her fate, that when she turns 16, she will prick her finger on a spindle and sleep for 100 years, he removes all the spindles from the kingdom to try and protect her. As she’s about to turn 16, she learns her father has arranged a marriage for her and in response she goes in search of a spindle to live out her fate and avoid being trapped in a life not of her choosing.
So how can we best avoid pushing our unlived lives onto our children and allow them to individuate?
As parents we need to live fulfilled lives as much as possible, so that we are not carrying a sense of something unlived which we might then unconsciously push onto our children. It’s important for us to try and live out our hopes and aspirations and not expect others to do it for us. Also, by doing this, we act as great examples to inspire our children to create and live the lives they want.
Where there are aspects of ourselves which are not realised, we need to grieve that loss of potential. By making the loss conscious and integrating it, we can avoid the projection onto others. Facing our losses, makes us confront our own mortality. We realise that we are no longer the centre of our child’s life as they grow. As parents, our “job” becomes less relevant as our children develop. Children discover themselves when they differentiate from the people who raised them. By hindering the child’s need for independence, we obstruct the flow of life, for them and us.
The Lebanese American writer and poet, Kahlil Gibran wrote about this beautifully.
Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
Very wise words for us all.
Photo by Florian Schmetz on Unsplash
Compass Counselling 