Gaslighting – a reality check
It’s the season for all things spooky and so I thought I’d cover a topic which can lead its victim into doubting their own reality and sensing that something menacing lurks in shadows.
Gaslighting was Merriam- Webster’s word of the year last year, with an increase of internet searches up by almost 2000 per cent. The term is being used everywhere, and not always entirely accurately. It’s almost ironic that the very term is becoming confused, just as the very practice itself casts a spell of doubt and insecurity. So let’ shine some light to clarify this murky issue.
What is it exactly?
The term gaslighting originated from the 1938 play “Gas Light” where a wife is being convinced that she is losing her mind by her scheming husband. One of his tricks is that he dims the gas lights in their house, and when the wife notices this, he tells her it isn’t happening and that she’s imagining it.
Following on from the play, gaslighting is a covert form of psychological manipulation which normally takes place over an extended period of time. Gaslighting causes the victim is to doubtt their own thoughts, feelings, memories and reality often leading to lower self-esteem and confidence and a dependency upon the abuser.
I saw the impact of gaslighting first hand when I worked as a counsellor at a women’s centre. Many a client came to see me as their partner had told them that they were going mad and needed to see a professional. Ironically the gaslighter’s very words push their victim into the path of potential enlightenment as to seeing their relationship dynamic more clearly.
Two important points to remember is that gaslighting can occur in all types of relationships, not just intimate ones. The other important point is that we can all fall victim to it. Even the most robust psyche can be vulnerable given the right conditions.
Also, it’s important to distinguish between gaslighting and genuine disagreement. This is where I have recently seen misuse of the term, where people are valid in their conflict, but one accuses the offer of gaslighting when it’s just a difference of experience or opinion. Disagreements can occur and be repaired without gaslighting.
Dr Robin Stern of Yale and author of “The Gaslight Effect” explains that gaslighting differs from disagreement as it’s one-sided, with only one person listening and the other negating any other opinion or experience which differs from their version. Dr Stern says that unlike other forms of abuse, gaslighting by its very nature and purpose is much harder to spot. Its victim becomes so confused that to just connect with themselves is difficult, let alone to understand what is exactly happening.
The aim of gaslighting is to have power and control over the victim and keep them trapped in the relationship. Ultimately the gaslighter is deeply insecure and fears being abandoned or rejected. No-one is born a gaslighter, it is something learnt normally during childhood. Most likely a caregiver treated them or someone close to them in a similar way. Often the gaslighter isn’t aware of their behaviour, such is its depth in their unconscious. But that doesn’t excuse their actions.
Common gaslighting tactics
The fabulous psychotherapist, Esther Perel names the main elements of gaslighting as:
- Reality manipulation (denying what is actually happening with an alternative version for example “you’re not thinking clearly, you’re acting crazy.”
- Disqualifying (not accepting another’s experience, thoughts or feelings) for example, “you’re too sensitive, I was only joking, you take everything too personally.”
- Scapegoating (shifting blame, not taking any responsibility, it’s always someone else’s fault)
- Coercion (making someone do something against their will through threats, guilt etc.)
- And lastly straight up lying (no explanation needed)!
I would highly recommend giving Perel’s podcast “Where should we begin” July 2023 episode a listen where a young woman asks, “am I being gaslighted?”. The exploration is fascinating and perfectly covers gaslighting abuse and the impact it has on the victim (sorry – spoiler alert). If you can’t catch the episode The Cut has published the transcript.
Anyone can fall victim to gaslighting, all it takes is the right conditions. I certainly have been gaslit at various moments in my life. One recent experience culminated in me conveying to my partner at the time, how unhappy I was in our relationship, feeling that I couldn’t say anything right. The other person snapped back at me telling me I was being ridiculous and put the phone down on me (I rest my case m’lord). I am pleased, and much relieved, to say I managed to quickly exit this relationship soon after.
This personal experience had early echoes of the heavy toxic dynamic as portrayed in the amazing, but tough watch, of “I am Nicola” (starring the fab Vicky McClure). This Channel 4 drama perfectly encapsulates coercive control and how insidious it can be.
What if you’re being gaslit?
If any of the above resonates for you in a relationship (be it at home, work, play etc.) then here are a few tips to help protect yourself:
- Get some space, probably both physical and psychological from the dynamic. Leave the room/building, practice deep breathing, grounding yourself in order to dilute the intensity of the emotional involvement. Develop healthy detachment from the situation for the sake of your own sanity.
- Alongside getting some space, get some perspective. Speak to close friends and family about how you are feeling. As they are not in the full glare of the gaslighter, they should be able to provide some clarity for you.
- As gaslighting can make us doubt our realities, start gathering hard evidence of your experience. This could include keeping a journal, saving emails or text messages. This data can help remind you of what you experienced and help you come back to yourself.
- Focus on your feelings in the relationship not about who is deemed right or wrong. Moral judgements will get you nowhere fast. How you feel in the relationship is the best indicator as to its health or toxicity.
- We go on and on about this as therapists, but marking and maintain boundaries is the best means for protection. We need to set clear boundaries of what is acceptable behaviour and what is not. When another crosses our boundaries, we need to take action to reinstate our protection and not allow transgresses to go ignored. The following phrases can be useful in these boundary situations (notice the use of “and” instead of the usual “but”, making the statements less combative):
- “I hear that your intention was to make a joke, and the impact was hurtful”.
- “I realize you disagree with me, and this is how I see it”.
- “I feel like I’m not being heard, and I want some space”.
- “This is what I want and what I need right now”.
- What I’ve noticed with clients being gaslit is that often they believe that they can change the abuser’s behaviour. They hold a hope that one-day things will improve. A part of breaking this unhealthy dynamic is accepting how things are and letting go of our wish that things were different. The other person may never take accountability for their behaviour, they may never see things from our point of view, they may never change. We can’t determine or control their opinion of us, despite all our best efforts. The only thing we can change is ourselves. Coming to a place of acceptance is a big first step in coming to terms with our reality.
- Ultimately if you find yourself falling victim to gaslighting and are unable to make any headway with the other person involved (through some of the methods above), then am afraid it’s probably best to walk away. Esther names it beautifully in her podcast episode when her client reasons against leaving with the classic “but I love him”, Esther responds “that’s a wonderful thing but that doesn’t mean you need to make a life in that dynamic.” If you do end the relationship, give yourself some much-needed self-care and compassion, untangling ourselves from these kinds of dynamics is not easy and can be very painful.
When we find ourselves in these situations and are able to get clarity as to what is really happening, then its time for some vital self-reflection. Asking ourselves how have I ended up here? What is my challenge of being/staying/leaving this relationship? Where have I seen gaslighting before, especially growing up? Our understanding of these points can hopefully help us protect ourselves from being gaslit in the future.
For every gaslighter, there is someone being gas lit. One cannot exist without the other. Once we realise the lights are really dimming (and we’re not going crazy), we can start to do something about it, the change starts with us.
Photo by Vladimir Fedotov on Unsplash
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