Failure to launch?

by suziechick Leave a comment

“… true adulthood…is a difficult beauty, an intensely hard won glory”

Toni Morrison

“Adulting” is a term sometimes used to describe a struggle to meet the many and various mundane demands of being a grown up. Some of us often wish that someone could come along and relieve us of these adult responsibilities even just for a moment. Adulting is hard work, rarely fun and certainly not glamorous. But it’s an essential part of us moving towards independence and self-sufficiency. 

However sometimes the adulting process is completely avoided and we can arrive at the psychological crisis of “failure to launch.” This condition (not an actual medical diagnosis) describes when a young person fails to transition into adulthood.  

Leaving the parental nest can often prove a challenge and it can take a few attempts before a successful launch occurs. It requires a great deal of courage, hope and determination.  Failure to launch however is where the launch never gets scheduled let alone is attempted. The transition period gets extended and personal development stalls. 

The individual (normally aged between 18-29 years old) seems to have little external responsibility, purpose or direction. They remain at the parental home, often unemployed and not in further education with no obvious desire to venture out on their own. Their physical worlds shrink to reflect their psychic worlds. They are unable to support themselves and so their parents continue to do so, allowing the young person to remain a child.

The main symptoms of failure to launch include:

  • Chronic unemployment 
  • Not in the educational system
  • Feeling stuck or directionless
  • Lack of motivation
  • Increased isolation, participating less and less in life.
  • Starting jobs/courses and then quitting them and not replacing them with another project
  • Apathy about their future and life in general
  • Complete avoidance of responsibilities (including domestic chores)
  • Changes in sleeping and eating.
  • Procrastination
  • Decline in mental health.
  • Struggling to manage stress and difficult emotions.
  • Falling behind the progress of their peers
  • Over-dependence on parents

Causes

So, what might be the causes of this situation?  A number of factors have been suggested which could contribute to a person remaining stuck between childhood and adulthood, the main causes include:

Over-attentive parenting

Over parenting (coming often from a place of care and love) often sends the message to the child that they can only handle certain tasks and not others. The growing child then struggles to manage the multiple responsibilities which come with adulthood. It all feels overwhelming, and they lack the skills and self-confidence to cope. Helicopter parenting can also include protecting children from experiencing failure which then can lead to a desire for perfectionism. This attitude can cause avoidance of anything that can’t be perfect or a guaranteed success. 

It’s completely understandable why parents might accidentally enable their child to remain stuck in their development. We want the best for our children and don’t want them to suffer or be in distress. We may think we’re helping by say letting our kids avoid domestic chores, paying rent etc. But these are valuable life management skills they need to develop, much as they might moan and protest! Adopting a bit of tough love can help shift the young person into their next chapter. 

Mental Health

Feeling anxious and/or depressed about the future can certainly encourage a young person to get under the covers and stay there. Staying stuck especially at the parents’ home, can make matters worse as the person spirals into shame as their confidence begins to falter. 

Often anxiety and/or depression includes seeing the world as a scary and overwhelming place which will obviously discourage someone from venturing out. In relation to young girls developing anorexia, journalist and fellow sufferer, Hadley Freeman writes that the condition is “about feeling completely overwhelmed by the world so you create a new, smaller world with one easy-to understand rule; don’t eat.”

Substance use

Struggles with drugs and/or alcohol can be tough for anyone, let alone a young person trying to locate the courage and drive within themselves to grow up and out.  Persistence use as a means of escape only makes the situation worse.

Neurodiversity

As a lot of us would have experienced there can be a vast difference between school and university and the working environment. Each step requires more self- management of time and tasks. Individuals with neuro diverse traits such as ADHD can struggle with the executive functioning required for these life stages. They may feel unable to cope compared to their neurotypical peers. Or people under the neuro diverse umbrella, for examples those with autistic traits, may process emotions differently and may find the change into adulthood overwhelming. Faced with a lack of control, they may retreat to familiar places and routines as a refuge. 

The extreme – Hikkimori

In Japan, there is a description of young people (mainly men) who suffer from severe social withdrawal and confinement, (a failure to launch on speed so to speak). 

Described as modern-day hermits, the condition often starts in young adulthood and can continue for many years. Hikkimori is identified as a young person who spends most of the day and every day at home, persistently avoids social situations and relationships, and has no identified mental health condition (such as bipolar disorder).

It can be triggered by a variety of factors including social anxiety and depression. Japan’s alleged punishing work ethic may not be helping matters either! Estimates suggest that there are around half a million young people in this withdrawn state in Japan. Physical exercise such as regular jogging and yoga has been shown to be beneficial to help encourage the Hikkimori out of their bedroom bunkers and into the real world. 

What can help?

If you know someone who is struggling to progress up the adulthood ladder, the first thing to do is not to get unconsciously hooked into the “blame game”. Accusing them of being lazy is just not productive and mostly pretty inaccurate.  People don’t suffer failure to launch out of choice, even if it appears that way on the outside. They are merely reacting to their feelings and environment and trying their best to protect themselves.  Shaming them will only cause them to withdraw even further. 

A solution-orientated approach has been proven to be the most effective way of helping people who are struggling to launch.  This approach can include the following:

  • Seek help for specific issues – It’s important to address any fundamental issues that might be causing this failure to launch state. Talking to a professional, such as a therapist, about issues such as trauma, depression and anxiety can really help bring an understanding about what has happened and how to move forwards.
  • Find joy and curiosity – Young people are often told to do what you love, but sometimes it’s not known what that is exactly. Noticing anything that sparks a bit of joy and curiosity can provide the building blocks for understanding passions and interests. This can be as simple as noticing what accounts on social media you enjoy following, what type of films or music you like listening to, what catches your eye when flicking through a magazine or newspaper. Exploring these interests with a sense of play and zero pressure can not only lift the spirits but also might help spark some ideas of possibilities. 
  • Get creative – Be it putting pen to paper, brush to canvas etc, self-expression through creative means can really help vocalise what is going on and make things less overwhelming and more manageable. 
  • Normalise – A lot of young people experience fear around adulting and taking those first big steps into the world on their own. To know that you are not alone and its quite natural to feel apprehension about this change can help lift the shame and judgment.  Blaming yourself isn’t productive or helpful, celebrating every win (no matter how small) is a far kinder way of being which can help encourage positive growth. 
  • Get outside – As cases regarding Hikkimori have shown, just getting outside, even on your own for a walk or a jog can help a great deal. The body will feel better for it, and this will automatically lift the mood and provide a different perspective.
  • Build connections – To fight withdrawal, reaching out to someone trusted and safe can be important to building a sense of community. Just connecting with one person is a big first step. It also helps combat the shame and embarrassment.  It’s important to build relationship skills as this in turns builds confidence to step out more into the world.  This also might open a few doors of opportunity to help provide a sense of direction and purpose. 

One of my favourite quotes about adulthood came from an old British film where one of that character’s comments that he doesn’t think anyone really grows up, “adults are just tall children with money”.  I remember this quote when I need to remind myself that we all find being an adult quite tricky at times and to have empathy towards those who struggle.  We all have our own unique journeys into adulthood and some just take longer than others, it’s not a race. 

Photo by Andy Hermawan on Unsplash

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